NVC - more loving in communicating

[Ina Curic]

Bujumbura, July 10th, 2008

NVC - more loving in communicating

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is an approach developed by Marshall Rosenberg, based on many other approaches in peace and conflict as a field, psychological insights and a deep spirituality, that has inspired many people around the world. The network has grown tremendously, and the African NVC community is growing as well, inspiring and changing the lives of many people working for social change.

Playing with the jackal and the giraffe as metaphors for violent, domination-oriented and respectively for life-serving communication, NVC works wonders on:
- looking at what is happening inside us and in our relationships
- opening the gate for healing our pain and meeting the other
- thus helping healthier functioning inside that works excellently in the service of social change.

These scribblings and tentative poems are part of my journey in clarifying and learning to love better in communicating and in working too. The more I work on any of the issues around gender, peace, conflict resolution, the more links I am making between personal and social/political level. NVC is a good context to express these connections and reflect over them.

Peace inside is not a prerequisite to work for peace outside; however, sooner or later we have to get there too and work on both levels at the same time. As educators, social change promoters we cannot expect people to mobilize for peace, justice, unity outside in the society, when we all have trauma and violence not addressed inside.

Inevitably, as the frameworks in my gender trainings, we end up talking about more concrete and personal things like love, harmony, collaboration, dialogue, togetherness. Acknowledging pain to open the gate for healing and healthier relating to one another at all levels.

So,
Here is a toast to
the integration of
work and life
inner and outer
you and me
unity over separation
separation over unity
when necessary!

****

Parlant de toi,
- en jugeant -
Au lieu de moi
Voila la tuerie
Qui passé toujours
inapercue

Juger tes comportements
Au lieu de te parler
De mes sentiments
Et de combien important
Tu es pour moi,
Pas pour te lier avec ca
Mais pour remercier.

La gratitude c’est la force
Qui fait que la vie continue.

*

Nonviolence

Loving in communicating
As a first step
To breaking the violence
Circle between us
At no matter what level
We function unhealthily.

*

Understanding is key
And thus – loving means not
Agreeing to your reality
But accepting your truth in it
And even playing with it
In an attempt to relativise
all truths that do not exist
in unity of all and everything.


*

Before your next
Sharp-like-a-knife
Judgment of me
That will open deeper
My already here wounds,

Stop,
To think just
How ignorant all of us are
Of one another’s heart.

All we can do is asking
What is happening inside?
C’est quoi la dedans?


*
Forgiveness for Hurt
Loving you back
Despite distancing off
Freedom of choice
Is what Love is famous for.



*
Judgment separates
Your interpretation of me
Instead of your honesty
Is the only thing I’ll pick on
To defend myself
And say No
To your tentatives
To enter my reality
Adding to your pain
Of separation – mine.

Where in this hell can we meet
Except embraced and in dialogue?


*
No healing can happen
without love
and love gives freedom
to choose
even death over life

your separation
over our unity
in relationship

never too late
to trade love for pain
drag the past out
into the light
when ready for
new life

*

separation over unity
in relationship
or out of it
no matter the choice
relationship is the only
thing that exists.

*

Anger is my sister,
when I’m hurt
she covers my back
to avoid further attacks
on my vulnerability
misunderstood as weakness

When Anger makes up with my Hurt
That is the cure to feel loved.

Turning Hurt into a Heart place
Where I give up my judgments
And allow myself to enter into embrace.

*

does playing deaf works
to stay rooted in love?
and love back without words
not rush to destroy
whatever fluid intention
and creativity the moment gives
with your misunderstandings
of this imperfect language

or hearing only the beauty in what you say
only the beautiful need not being met
not the judgment of me in which you dress it
which is the first to make me angry

what water can put out this fire
when I would not let myself held
in your arms quietly

playing deaf
or hearing only the beauty
in what you say,
which game to play today?


*

We are broken inside
in a myriad ways,
all, thirsty for togetherness
hungry for being back one

broken, this is how you can help
healing is a gate that opens after pain


*
Love sister with Pain

I cannot feel your Love
Because unable to feel
Pain first, yours and mine.
The hurt disguised
As distance, silence
Noise or anger.

Not feeling the love,
That turns me away
Instead of drawing closer
Asking for it more clearly
Without being ashamed
of the beggar for love in me,

when I could would should
is love you back
despite my pain to your pain.

When these two sisters meet
Love arises.
Love as the mother,
Making up one upset child with the other.

*

Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9
[ate]
that’s how ridiculous
and playful
our sister Fears are

all trying to hide the obvious
need of no fears
in this game of ours.

Did you take life
Too seriously?
Time to stop game
And turn to older memories
When you knew better.
Childhood has some keys,
Look into your family.

*

Freedom in spirit
is learned through pain
of rejection, withdrawal of love
aloneness after togetherness

that is when we become free
to live without fear
of what you will think of me
if I am not mirroring the me
you are used to see.

That is when our sister
Disguised as pain
Comes to say: wake up dear
This is not your reality
You were born to be free

Freedom does not mean aloneness
It means embracing your fear of it
Standing on your own two feet
And saying: I do not need any of you
To play with me hide and seek

Once we let fears go
All of our beautiful dreams
Can become now reality.
Be there to enjoy it.

*